


Optimus Fine

by laurenshappenstobemyhusband



Series: it's KageHina babey [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Awkward Kageyama Tobio, God I love that tag, M/M, Oblivious Hinata Shouyou, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, and even lower-key daisuga, but accurate, like the worst of the worst, lowkey tsukkiyama, warning: some really awful pick up lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 09:09:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20444657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenshappenstobemyhusband/pseuds/laurenshappenstobemyhusband
Summary: "And you really think these will work?" Kageyama asked, looking over the list of pick up lines.Tsukishima could barely contain a smirk. "That's right. There's no way Hinata won't notice you after these."ORKageyama goes to Tsukishima for flirting advice. He really shouldn't have.





	Optimus Fine

**Author's Note:**

> My first Haikyuu!! fic! I can't start any multichaps while I still have like 4 WIPS, but one day...

Kageyama knew he was screwed when he found himself asking Tsukishima for advice.

"You actually need help asking _Hinata _out?" he asked after being stopped by the vending machines. "If you make it too complicated, he won't understand it. He's a simpleton."

Kageyama ignored the snark and pressed on. "You're the only one on the team who's dating someone, so that's why I'm asking you."

"First off, that's false," Tsukishima said, leaning against a wall. "Daichi and Suga have been dating for like a month, Asahi has a girlfriend, and I even think Ennoshita's been seeing someone. You really are dull as a rock."

Kageyama thought about it for a second, then shook his head. "Doesn't matter now either way. I'm asking you for help."

"Not really sorry, but I can't help you," he said, pulling his headphones on. "Me and Tadashi have been dating for so long, I don't even remember how I asked him out. Try somebody else if you don't want to screw it up."

He took one step away, and that was when Kageyama grabbed his arm. "Hey. Let go."

Kageyama looked up at him, looking as determined as Tsukishima had ever seen him. "I know I'm dull when it comes to social situations. I'm awkward; it's not that big of a surprise to me. I'll take anything you can offer me."

_Anything?  
_

"Wow, King, you're really lowering yourself to my level now aren't you?" Tsukishima said, but he stopped in place. "You know, I might actually have something to help you."

"Really?" 

"Yeah, but I don't have it on me. Meet me here after practice tomorrow and I'll give it to you."

Kageyama was practically beaming, which creeped Tsukishima out to no extent. "Thank you!"

"Whatever. Now really let go of my arm."

The next day, true to his word, Tsukishima showed up to the vending machines with a slip of paper in his hand, which he promptly gave to Kageyama. He started to read them, and his forehead scrunched up almost immediately.

"This is flirting?" he asked, reading them over again in case he missed something. Nope, just as weird as before.

Tsukishima shrugged. "Hey, I didn't make them up. The love gurus of the internet swear by these. And there's no way Hinata won't notice you after you say them."

Kageyama still looked confused, but he said, "If you say so... thanks for your help!"

"My pleasure."

He wasn't lying, either. It was pretty fun looking through the internet to find the absolute worst pick up lines in history. He even had Tadashi help him with some of it, because while he wasn't all for pranking by himself, he knew how to be a supportive boyfriend.

And then came the next day, when Kageyama decided to actually try them out. Tsukishima was glad he did it after practice, if only so he could watch, but he was a little annoyed that he didn't bring popcorn. _Next time_, he thought to himself, _I'll be more prepared._

"Hinata!" Kageyama called across the room, and Tsukishima sat down by the wall next to Tadashi, whispering, "It's starting."

Hinata, who had been putting away the balls scattered across the room, instantly looked up. "What is it?"

"If you were a Transformer, you'd be Optimus Fine!" he shouted, shoving the paper back in his pocket, and it was everything Tsukishima imagined and more. He shoved his face into Tadashi's shoulder, almost tearing up with the effort to not burst out laughing. Tadashi was also shaking with laughter, but he had the control to cover his mouth and pretend he was coughing.

"You're so evil," he whispered, and Tsukishima merely shot him a grin. 

"Let's see if he does any more of them."

Hinata, meanwhile, probably thought he misheard. "What was that, Kageyama?"

Kageyama, obviously backtracking, took another look at the paper and declared, "My doctor told me I'm missing Vitamin U! Can you help me?"

This sent Tsukishima into another fit of hysterics, and even Tadashi couldn't look anymore. 

None of this went unnoticed by the rest of the team, either, who were scattered around the gym. Daichi put two and two together and went to sit on Tsukishima's other side, followed by Asahi, Suga, Noya, and Tanaka. They formed a sort of half circle, all of them facing the wonder duo.

"I don't suppose you have anything to do with this, do you?" Daichi asked, and Tsukishima didn't have it in him to lie.

"I'm waiting for him to figure it out himself," he coughed, throat hurting from laughing too hard. "He's the unstoppable pick up line force, and Hinata's the immovable too-dense-to-figure-it-out object. One has to break eventually."

"They're people, not a lab experiment," Suga said disapprovingly, and Tsukishima shrugged.

"He came to me for advice. If Hinata doesn't like him, then nothing will work. If he does, then it's all according to plan. Now shhhh, I think he's going for another one."

Hinata seemed shocked into silence from the last one, and Kageyama took that as a sign to continue. "I seem to have lost my phone number! Can I have yours?"

"I have to admit, it is pretty funny once you stop feeling bad," Noya conceded, chuckling a little at Hinata's expression. His face was flashing between pale and flushed at an alarming rate."

"The funniest part is that he's still shouting across the room," Tanaka snorted. "Does Kageyama know he can get closer to him?"

Suga still didn't seem like he altogether liked it, but even he couldn't hold back a smile when Kageyama shouted that if Hinata was a president, he'd be Babe-raham Lincoln.

It was only when Kageyama skipped to the bottom of the list, the absolute most obvious one, that Tsukishima decided to intervene.

"Do you like my shirt? It's made of boyfriend material," he called out, and Tsukishima stood, half-running over to where Kageyama was standing. This obviously wasn't going anywhere, and even he had a limit to his sadism.

"I think Hinata gets it," he whispered, and Kageyama's face screwed up.

"Did I mess it up?"

In a rare bit of generosity, Tsukishima said, "Not irreparably. I'd say just go home for now."

Kageyama was probably having the worst day ever since he lost against Aoba Johsai. Everyone on the team, all of his friends, knew what a dunce he was, and even Hinata was laughing at him by the end. He should've known better than to ask Tsukishima anything, since it always came with a price. In this case, his dignity. Kageyama hoped it was worth it for him, because he wouldn't be able to set normally to Tsukishima _or _Hinata for a while.

Then suddenly, he heard a shout behind him. "Kageyama! Stop moving so fast. Not that I can't keep up, but wait!"

Kageyama didn't know whether to stop in his tracks or run faster at the sound of Hinata's voice, so he continued walking at his normal speed. It was only a moment before he saw a flash of orange in his periphery, and then he couldn't see anything _but _orange as he stood in his path.

"I told you to wait," he panted, almost childlike, and Kageyama didn't know whether to laugh or... not laugh.

"What is it?" he asked, as if he hadn't just made a fool out of himself in front of everyone. "Did I leave my bag or something?"

"Well, yeah," Hinata said, and Kageyama was surprised to see him holding his bag. He took it quickly, putting it on his back, then turned to leave. "That wasn't all, though!"

Kageyama didn't say anything, but waited for him to continue. _Here comes the heartbreak that every love song rants about._

"Tsukishima told me what you were trying to do," he said with a giggle, and Kageyama's heart sank further, if possible. _Never mind. This is so much worse._ _If there's a merciful God, I'll be killed instantly by a bolt of lightning any second now._

"Um," he continued, a little quieter this time, "I appreciate the effort."

_Here comes the "but". I can almost smell it._

But no but did come, in fact. Instead, Hinata slipped his hand into Kageyama's, loose enough to be considered an accident if he didn't keep it there. Then he reached out his hand and patted Kageyama's shirt.

"Wow, you're right," he said, almost choking on the words. "This shirt really is made of boyfriend material."

And then they were both laughing, out in the dark, hand in hand. 

"In hindsight, that wasn't my smoothest moment," Kageyama admitted, to which Hinata responded with a raspy, "You think?"

Then Kageyama tightened his grip on Hinata's hand, just enough to make him look up. "I, uh, want to ask officially, if you wanted to go out with me."

"Were the pick up lines too subtle for your taste?" Hinata snickered, but squeezed his hand right back. "I'd like that. Dating, I mean." His face turned a darker shade of red, visible even in the faint glow of the street light, but he didn't let go.

"I'll make sure to keep the pick up lines to a minimum," Kageyama assured, turning hot as he remembered the moment in the gym, only minutes before. 

Hinata was scandalized. "Whaaaaaat? I only agreed to this because I thought you'd keep making them."

"Really?" 

"Well, no. But if you have any more, I'd love to hear them."

Kageyama hesitated, then took the list out of his pocket. Hinata lit it up with his phone flashlight, since Kageyama's other hand was occupied. 

"Ok, here's a decent one. Was your dad a boxer? Because you're a knockout!"

"God, that is awful. Read another one."

"Aside from being drop-dead gorgeous, what else do you do for a living?"

"...You know, that one kind of works. I'm glad you didn't yell it in the gym, though, or I'd be completely red."

"I think you were anyway."

"Says the human stop sign here who decided to flirt with me across the room!"

"Touche."

The two of them walked down the street like this, pausing every so often so Hinata could catch his breath. It wasn't the most time efficient way to walk home, but Kageyama found that it was definitely his favorite.

**Author's Note:**

> Finding all of the pick up lines was definitely my favorite part of writing this. If it made me crack up or groan out loud, it went in.
> 
> tumblr: laurenshappenstobemyhusband


End file.
